Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize