Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
