i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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