I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
