How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Im part way to drunk.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
