not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Cover your peen. We're going out.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
