I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
