Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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