So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
