I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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