I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
