So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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