My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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