It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sarcasm needs its own font
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
