Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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