a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
