My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
