Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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