I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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