I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
