He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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