does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
