So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
