never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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