mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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