I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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