apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
this hospital has no fireball
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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