Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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