my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
