Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
