My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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