fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
