we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize