Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize