So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
