The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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