How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
