I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My breasts were aching with rage.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
