I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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