last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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