did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
