I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
