don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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