they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
