i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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