I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
