my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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