My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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