I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
