At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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