my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
