it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
