Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
