Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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