Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
