can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
