I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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