A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
