do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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