The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
