If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
