Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
