What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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