Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
