I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
